Saudi Heart Walk

For the last 2 1/2 years of living here, I've always dealt with and struggled with all the things we miss out on by not living back in the states.  It's a very hard place to be when you want more then anything to celebrate a birthday, go to a wedding, attend a funeral, be with friends and family during both good and trying times.  I've had to come to the place where I've accepted not being there, and have tried finding ways to still feel apart.  

You all know our friends, The Carpenter's, and you know their story.  They were able to participate in  Keep the Beat Heart Walk in Houston to raise awareness and funds for those who have CHD.  I was so sad that we weren't home to walk with them, that I had the idea to have our own Heart Walk here in the KSA.  Steph and I planned a big fundraiser style walk where we accepted donations, sold t-shirts & pizza, and asked all those on our compound to come out and support Susie and Darrell and to remember Cade and Addi.  Our goal was to allow whatever donations from the walk, t-shirts, and food to help Susie and Darrell as they prepare for their next journey in having children.  We were incredibly amazed and humbled by the amount of love and support we received from our community.  People who have never met the Carpenters were eager to donate and offered up their thoughts and prayers for them.  The night was a huge success.  We raised over $3,000!  Simply amazing!!!!  

Everyone met at our rec center at sunset and we made the walk around our compound alongside a beautiful beach!  It was the same beach that we met together and remembered Cade and Addi and got to say our goodbyes to them, since we weren't home when they passed away.  The entire walk I kept remembering those precious kids; their laughs; their silliness; their caring hearts; and their loving personalities.  Not a day goes by where we don't think about Cade and Addi.  We miss them so much.  

Addison Ray Carpenter

I've tried thinking about what to write for this post.

I've tried coming up with words that could help heal our hearts.

I've tried.  I've tried.

It's been a little over a week since Addi went to be with Jesus and met up with her big brother, Cade.   Through the devastation I'm feeling, I keep imagining those two sweet kids reunited in Heaven.   That thought sometimes takes the heaviness that's on my chest away, even if just for a moment.  

My heart breaks for Susie and Darrell.  I hurt over the pain they are experiencing.

Addi is greatly missed.  

May 26, 2010- the day Addi came into this world

June 2010

 

4th of July 2010

August 2010- Addi and Cade came to our going away party before we moved to Saudi. 

March 2011-- a picture we will cherish forever

December 2011- our last visit with Addi 

 

A Birthday in Heaven

August 20th, I went to Houston to be with my friends Susie and Darrell as they celebrated what would have been their little boy, Cade's fifth birthday.  I planned my trip in the states so that I could be a part of this day, and, as sad as it was, I'm glad I was there.  All their immediate family and close friends met at the cemetery where we said a prayer for Cade, told him how we all missed him, and then sent him balloons to Heaven.  It was one of the most emotional days of my life in the past few months, next to the morning when we got the phone call about Cade, and the day that I visited his grave site for the first time upon returning to the states in July.  

However, it was also so good to be with our friends during this time.  I stand amazed and in awe of Susie and Darrell and how they are doing during this time.  I honestly ask them all the time how they are making it through when I feel like an emotional wreck.  They are trusting in the Lord and accepting his love, grace, and peace every moment of everyday.  I'm heartbroken for our friends, and it was really hard going back and seeing that Cade wasn't there, but I do believe that God is greater then any pain we can feel.  

There was some joy celebrating Cade's life that day.  We all remembered him for the vibrant, outgoing, loving, fun kid that he was!!  We will always miss him, but have lots of memories to hold onto!   

We love you and miss you Cade.

We got to say Goodbye

Blogs are meant to post what's happening in your life and every time something new comes about, we blog about it, then move onto the next event.  I've found myself the past two weeks wanting to blog about the various things going on in our lives, but I've really been struggling with how do I move onto the next post from my last one?  Nothing seems to justify moving past my last post.  My post about Cade was hard to write.  It was tough to realize that's what's happening.  It's harder for me now to make another post and in a sense feel like I'm just moving onto the next thing.  However, we've been spending the past 2 weeks grieving.  We've cried a lot.  We've prayed a lot.  We've talked a lot.  Our hearts are broken and they just ache.  We miss Cade.  We hurt for Susie and Darrell.

What made this experience even tougher was not being with Susie and Darrell.  It's so hard being this far away and not being able to hug on your friends or cry with them.  We also realize that we missed out on getting to tell Cade goodbye.  I'm sad I didn't go to the states to be with Susie.  I'm sad that we didn't get to see him one last time.  I'm sad we didn't hear the words sung at his service.  I'm sad we didn't get to see the flowers that surrounded him.

However...

I am grateful for the time we had with him.  I'm grateful for the memories we have.  I'm grateful for how much he loved Gavin.  I'm grateful that we got to spend an extra weekend with him before we came back to Saudi.  I'm grateful that Cade has parents who love the Lord and taught him about Jesus.  I'm grateful to have babysat Cade since he was months old.  I'm grateful that we were there for his birthday parties.  I'm grateful that we have some of Cade's clothes (purchased for Gavin after Cade out grew them) that allows us to remember him every time we open Gavin's closet.  I'm grateful for all the things Gavin learned from Cade.  I'm grateful for the Sunday lunches we spent every week with Cade and his parents.  I'm grateful for witnessing a lot of Cade's firsts.  I'm grateful for Cade's smile and his laugh.  I'm grateful that we got to love a little boy for four and a half years, who filled our hearts with so much joy, and who showed us what we hope, want, and pray our little boys will be like.  We will always miss Cade and we will think about him often!!

Since the Spelling's were here with us, we didn't go through this alone.  The four of us really wanted and needed a way to say goodbye to Cade so we planned a small thing at sunset on the beach here in Saudi.  We did it at the same time Cade's service was going on.  We asked our closest friends who had been grieving with us and praying for the Carpenters to come and share that time with us as we remembered Cade then said goodbye.

We all gathered on the beach at sunset.  Micah, Stephanie, Brooks, and myself all took turns sharing memories about Cade and saying what we were going to miss the most.  It was really sweet.  We cried a lot, said a prayer, then we released a large bundle of big, blue balloons into the sky.  We watched as they floated into the sky and waited until we couldn't see them anymore.  Everyone also wore a pair of Sperry's in memory of Cade.  We placed our shoes along the beach and wrote Cade's name in the sand.   When we finished, we were glad we spent that time to remember Cade and have a way to say goodbye to him.

Cade Walker Carpenter

Wednesday night, our best friends, The Carpenter's , lost their 4 year old son, Cade unexpectedly.  This was a huge shock to all and has left everyone stunned and just devastated.  

The Carpenter's are some of our best friends and Cade and Gavin have been best buds for years.  We are heartbroken over losing Cade and are filled with sadness for Susie and Darrell.  We hate that this has happened to them.  We're sad that we're not there with them during this time.  It breaks my heart to know that I'm not there to help comfort, hug, or love on my best friend.  I'm just sad.  We all are.  

Last week before we left, I decided to take one last trip to Houston to visit The Carpenter family before heading back to Saudi.  I wanted to let Gavin have another chance to play with Cade and hang out before we left for a few months.  I keep thinking how grateful I am that we made it work and fit with our schedules because I will cherish that time forever.  Even though it was a short visit, and we were only together a few hours, there are tons of memories that we can hold on to.  

I don't have the words yet to express the heart ache we are experiencing.  

I keep trying to focus on the things that we will remember about Cade and the memories we have of him.  

Gavin loved Cade.  He was his best friend.  Gavin looked up to Cade.  Anything Cade did, Gavin wanted to do.  It's because of Cade that Gavin stopped sitting in a high chair at restaurants, started wearing his crocs without straps, enjoyed wearing sunglasses outside, likes to play with tools, isn't afraid of playground equipment, wants to wear Superman and Batman t-shirts, likes to wrestle, will sit in timeout without getting up from his spot, would stop crying when we dropped him off at the babysitter's house, always wants BIG toy trucks, willingly wore his Halloween costume, was Buzz for Halloween, started liking Woody (from Toy Story), prefers lace up tennis shoes instead of velcro ones, wants to brush his teeth, needs a gummy vitamin everyday, isn't scared of remote control toy cars, and decided he'd rather pee standing up then sitting down.  These are just a few of the many things that Gavin has watched Cade do or did with Cade and decided he wanted to be like him.  

Gavin also got his love for trains from Cade.  Cade got a train table a few years ago and every time we went to Cade's house, Gavin always wanted to play trains with him.  Even last week when we visited, Gavin was playing on that train table.  He loved it and he loved pushing the trains around the track with Cade.  They would race each others trains, they'd trade trains together, and you could always hear them laughing when their trains would crash into each other.  

These are just a few of the things we'll keep tucked in our hearts and will share with Gavin as he gets older.  We're grateful for the friendship these two boys had together and we will forever remember Cade and Gavin's time together as best buds.  

One of the things I will remember the most about Cade was how much he liked to smile.  The kid LOVED life.  He was always happy, always smiling, always loving those around him.  Cade cared about other's feelings.  He was always quick to apologize, or make sure you were okay if something happened.  Very sweet.  Very loving.  Very special!

Please keep Susie and Darrell and their family in your prayers.  This is such a difficult time for everyone.  We're believing that the Lord will provide them everything they need to get through this time.

Here are a few pictures of Cade and Gavin that I LOVE!  They always had fun together no matter what they were doing.  I posted all the pics I had of the two boys together on Facebook, too.